Much Ado...

So this month I finished a commission that I have been working on for over a year.

I mean, this thing took some work.




I pushed myself to see if I could to it, and I did.


And nobody cared but the client.


Facebook, being the place that hates you unless you pay (and even then, good luck) gave me a WHOPPING 102 reach; and that was with 4 shares... almost like the algorithm was shaking its finger and going "nope, don't care, you didn't pay us so we're not going to show anyone".  I've gotten over 1k reach from 3 shares, so this is dumb.  It got 2,500 reach on Twitter -because Twitter is reliable, if not fickle- and a couple of new Artstation likes, so yay.

Did any of my friends or fans (the ones who saw it anyway) say "Damn dude, that's bad ass"?

Nope.

I told my wife I wanted to celebrate, and was met with cooler than lukewarm (she hates zombies).  "You could shave the cat..." she suggested.  No dice on that front.

Hard as I tried, the best I got was from the client, who loved it and heaped praise (thank God), but getting anything (even criticism, and folks usually LOVE handing out what you did wrong) was like pulling teeth

I'm getting to a point though, I promise.

Being an artist is about doing what you love, even when no one is looking.  As creatives we feed on adoration, but there are often times when the thing we worked hard on is often overlooked for something we just threw out there as practice that somehow moves people.  It can be really frustrating.  The trick is to love what you do, sure, but sometimes that isn't enough. 

Sometimes the ugly face of mental illness can creep up and take out your legs when you needed a boost no one is willing to provide.  Sometimes you just feel unappreciated or unnoticed, or you have worked hard on something with barely a pat on the back to show for it, and you reach out only to be left with an empty hand.  And sometimes, sadly, people even say mean things because they either hate what you do or wish they could do it as well.  Through all of that, you have to find motivation to move on, and when you're alone in the dark with only your art to challenge the impostor syndrome it can be really hard to do that.

So how do you make art when you feel like there is no reason to make art?


I made art itself the reason to make art.


I have spent an hour making the wrinkles on a face look flawless.  Because I can.  I have spent days debating nuances of a character that will hit viewers subconsciously, so they will know her story with only a single image to guide them.  Because I should.  I have taken techniques used by masters of visual effects and giggled like an idiot when I got them working while sitting at my desk.  Because I needed to know that I could, and found out that I can.


I may be alone, and feel separated from the rest of humanity (as every artist does in their own way), and some days it feels like no one will ever pay attention to what I do, but I am mastering skills that allow me to visibly see the progression of my practice.  I have no one to compete with but myself.  I have no one to devalue or criticize but myself and the work I do that I am either happy with or working to improve.  I can see I'm getting better, and that my work is paying off. 


I didn't need anyone's permission, and neither should you.  If ever in doubt and looking for motivation, just do what I do and ask yourself:


"What have you done and how far have you come?"


If the answer doesn't make you happy, you best get back to work.




#halloween #indie #gamedev #art #artist #blog